“I’ve come here to get high/to do more than just get by/I’ve come to test the timber of my heart”
Give Me Love
I often wonder what my heroes would think of me. Every action of mine is accompanied by a light question slowly buzzing around in my brain. What would they think? How would they feel?
If they could peer into my mind for just one minute, what would their reactions be to the worlds that reside within my skull?
This morning I finished chapter two of The Great Gatsby while eating breakfast in my underwear at the kitchen table. My hair slumped against the back of my head, its appearance the very definition of a “messy bun.” And I read what will surely be my favorite quote from the entire novel, on page 44:
“Yet high over the city our line of yellow windows must have contributed their share of human secrecy to the casual watcher in the darkening streets, and I was him too, looking up and wondering I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”
What I felt from those words surely can’t be described in the space between pen and paper. But what would he say?
If he could feel what I feel while reading his words, how would he react?
If he knew that I, a lowly aspiring writer of little consequence, and thousands of others like myself, felt a complete upheaval of the marvelous kind when reading his words - what would he do?
What would Sylvia say to me about those nights that ruled my adolescence? Those nights that were overcasted by the curse of feeling too much plagued me for years at a time. Would she offer a comforting hand on my back and a simple “I know how you feel”? Or would she belittle that mental war and tell me I didn’t have it half as bad because I’m still here?
What would Audrey say about my half-assed forays on the boundaries of romance?
What would Marilyn say about the hours I spent in the bathroom straining every muscle in search of beauty?
What would Alecia say if she knew that I mouthed the words to “Fuckin’ Perfect” in my bathroom for hours on end? What would she do if she knew how the accuracy of her words swelled in my heart and lessened the pounding beat of doubt in my ears?
What would they say of me?
What would they say to me?
Time for a not-so-secret confession: I am unbelievably obsessed with Survivor.
The reality TV show.
And tonight was the season finale.
First order of business: I am so happy that Cochran won.
I’m so glad that Dawn didn’t win because she was all over the map. And I do not think Brenda crossed some line in her jury speech. Honestly, I have a lot more respect for her because of what she did in the final tribal council.
While I wasn’t crazy about the line-up for this season, because I feel like the returning favorites were chosen solely for their shock factor, I’m glad such a big fan of the show got to show what he can do.
Also just a side not: I was always rooting against Reynold and Eddie because of their snide remarks in the beginning. Including, but not limited to: “It’s like the cool kids’ table” and “It’s revenge of the nerds.” Yeah, high school’s over, kids.
Second: ‘Survivor: Blood vs. Water’
I had no idea what this could mean.
And then my father threw out the recurring suspicion that keeps popping up throughout the blogosphere tonight.
Blood is thicker than water - possibly family members? We think there will be two tribes with the family members separated between the two tribes. But there would still only be one survivor.
If this is true, I can’t even tell you all how excited I’ll be. That would be an amazing twist that I would love to watch.
But, I’m kind of over returning players. We need some more new faces in the game.
Third and final thought: How am I going to wait until September?
Goo Goo Dolls